There actually isn’t any proper or flawed approach to grieve; your good friend’s approach could also be fairly completely different from what yours or mine could be underneath comparable circumstances. Grief could make an individual really feel and act fairly “loopy,” and what looks like inappropriate or out-of-character habits towards you might be ~ a minimum of for now ~ your good friend’s approach of coping along with his household’s traumatic and insufferable loss. Nonetheless, sure reactions are frequent and predictable in grief, and the extra you realize about what’s regular, the higher you’ll be able to perceive what could also be occurring along with your good friend.
Everybody grieves otherwise and at their very own tempo, and there are vital persona variations as effectively. For instance ~ and keep in mind that I’m talking in generalities right here ~ we girls are typically extra expressive and keen to share our feelings extra freely, whereas males may grieve extra stoically, in silence and alone, thereby giving the impression that they don’t seem to be grieving in any respect. Needless to say, though occasions and customs are altering, males in our tradition have lengthy been socialized to maintain their emotions in examine and to themselves, to look robust and in management. Add to this the complicating issue that in your good friend’s case, this dying was a suicide (with all of the social stigma connected to that), so his habits could also be much more comprehensible.
I hope you realize that anger is without doubt one of the commonest reactions in grief, and particularly for a person, it might really feel safer, stronger, extra comfy and extra acquainted to really feel mad than to really feel unhappy. The anger your good friend is expressing (by saying issues to you that appear hurtful) might don’t have anything to do with you and all the things to do with the outrage he should really feel at his brother for finishing this most outrageous act. And since his brother is not right here for him to confront and we’re not purported to be offended with a lifeless individual, on the similar time your good friend could also be feeling very responsible for feeling so offended (not solely at his brother, however at God for letting this occur and even at himself for not having the ability to stop it). So as an alternative of acknowledging the supply of his anger and expressing it so it may be launched, on some degree he might discover it “safer” to get offended at you (since you’re his good and constant good friend and he trusts that you’ll love him anyway).
I am reminded of an expertise I had with my doctor father a number of years in the past. He had been caring diligently for an older man who was dying, and regardless of all the things my father tried, he couldn’t reverse the course of his sickness, and in the long run his affected person died. The person’s spouse was livid with my father, and my dad confided in me how bowled over he was by this lady’s white-hot anger. My father (who was a beautiful, caring, conscientious and extremely revered physician, and dearly liked by his sufferers) assured me that for months he had performed all the things in his energy to look after this man, however he was powerless to save lots of him and he felt terribly misjudged and abused by this lady’s rage. I listened to his story, after which gently urged to him that perhaps this was not what this lady was actually offended about. Maybe, I mentioned, what she was actually offended about is the truth that her husband died, regardless of each effort to save lots of him. I’ll always remember the look on my father’s face. He was astounded that this risk had not occurred to him, and he started instantly to re-frame how he was perceiving this lady’s habits towards him. The subsequent time he noticed her, he was in a position to empathize along with her anger slightly than taking it personally ~ they usually each managed to speak about it, acknowledge it for what it was, and get previous it.
I share this story with you merely for example how the anger that accompanies loss may be so hurtful, and the way vital it’s to acknowledge that anger is without doubt one of the commonest reactions in grief. After we’re pissed off and hurting it is solely pure to lash out and search for somebody in charge. Being offended is a approach of channeling vitality, of constructing some sense of the ache. After we are protesting an unjust loss, we might have each proper to be offended. Even when we all know our anger is not logical or justified, we can not at all times assist how we really feel. For a few of us, being offended could also be preferable to feeling the underlying damage and ache of loss.
Keep in mind that none of what I am describing could also be occurring at a acutely aware degree, and since I do not know you or your good friend, I could also be all flawed in my evaluation. I am simply sharing with you what I feel could be occurring based mostly on what I do know of regular grief. See, for instance, my article, How We Mourn: Understanding Our Variations, together with the Associated Articles and Sources listed on the base. And other than the gender and persona points, there may be the problem of suicide, which at all times, at all times complicates the grieving course of. (See Grief Assist for Survivors of Suicide Loss.)
Since you have already let your good friend know that you’re there for him and his household, and because you’re getting indicators from him that he’d slightly that you just step again for some time, it might be clever so that you can abide by his needs. Within the meantime, you might discover these articles useful additionally:
I hope this data proves helpful to you, my expensive, and that you’ll observe by way of with a few of the ideas. In any case, please know that I’m considering of you and your good friend, and whenever you really feel prepared to take action, I hope you’ll let me understand how you each are doing.
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